The Rants of Anaximenes

 Folks' Folly is a regular rant feature of The Rants of Anaximenes with commentary on and over the galactic stupidity of most people on this planet.

Time for another installment of Folks' Folly to comment on the continued exhibition of the lame-brained, obtuse, dim-witted, simple-minded, thick-headed morons, idiots and imbeciles who never leave me with a shortage of material to write about. Homer Simpson continues to have Einstein-esque intelligence compared to some of the dunderheads on this planet, and will forever remain my avatar for each edition of Folks' Folly.

As usual during tough economic times, the criminal element of our society tends to go into hyper-drive as unemployment increases and consumer spending decreases. I'm not too sure why, since most of these losers had no intention of getting a job in the first place. But then again, none of these mental giants can really figure out how to be good criminals, let alone good citizens. A few cases worthy of mention in this edition of Folks' Folly:

But stupidity isn't limited to the criminal element. It seems ordinary people everywhere are so dumb, they're dying in droves. It's probably a good thing, just to keep the human genome pool at least at some semblance of a minimum species survival level.

"Just think of how stupid the average person is and then realize that half of them are even stupider!" - George Carlin

Man falls to death from I-95 bridge
South Florida Sun-Sentinel
April 13, 2008

FORT LAUDERDALE - A 30-year-old man fell to his death Saturday night from Interstate 95 just north of State Road 84, according to police.

According to witnesses, Shawn Paul Montero, of Hallandale Beach, was a passenger in a vehicle that was stopped on I-95 due to an unrelated crash. Montero told others in the vehicle that he had to relieve himself. He got out and jumped over the cement wall of I-95. It is believed that Montero did not realize there was more than a 65-foot drop beyond the wall.

"The death is under investigation however the incident appears to be an unfortunate accident at this time.," according to Fort Lauderdale Detective Katherine Collins.

Thus, the old adage, "Look before you leak."

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." - Albert Einstein

Woman avoiding trooper dies after apparently jumping into flooded creek
Greensboro News & Record
Thursday, June 4, 2009

GREENSBORO — A woman attempting to avoid a state trooper drowned Wednesday night after apparently jumping into a rain-swollen creek near Northeast Middle School, officials said.

As a thunderstorm pounded the area, a trooper was stopping traffic in the 6700 block of McLeansville Road to keep vehicles off the flooded road.

About 7 p.m., a woman zoomed past the trooper on a moped, lost control and went into the creek, said Col. Randy Powers of the Guilford County Sheriff’s Office.

The trooper, who has not been identified, retrieved a rope from his vehicle and pulled the woman out of the water.

As he was interviewing her, the trooper suspected the woman had been consuming alcohol, Powers said.

He went to retrieve something from his vehicle, and the woman jumped into the creek a second time.

“The trooper attempted to rescue her again, but she was gone,” Powers said.

About 8:30 p.m., the woman’s body was recovered about 300 yards from where she jumped into the creek, authorities said. Her identity was not available late Wednesday.

Thus, the old adage: "If at first you don't succeed, try to die again."

"The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity." - Harlan Ellison

Palm Bay family killed in power line accident
Orlando Sentinel
October 13, 2009

A mother, father and 15-year-old son died Monday night after being electrocuted while putting up a ham radio antenna in Palm Bay, according to police.

Their names were not released late Monday.

Rescue crews responded to a 911 call about the electrocution shortly after 8:30 p.m. on Alaska Avenue, west of Interstate 95 in south Brevard County.

Authorities say the family was attempting to raise the antenna when they lost control of the pole and it struck an overhead power line.

The impact sent 13,000 volts of electricity through the pole the three were holding, police said.

"It happened in an instant," Palm Bay Fire Marshal Mike Couture said in a statement.

When paramedics arrived, they found all three on the ground not breathing. Rescue crews immediately tried to resuscitate them. The 50-year-old woman was pronounced dead at the scene.

The 50-year-old father and the son were taken to a local hospital, where they were later pronounced dead. The teenager attended Southwest Middle School, where grief counselors will be available today.

Florida Power & Light Co. crews responded to the scene and shut off power in the area while authorities collected evidence and documented the scene, police said.

"It is an unfortunate set of circumstances that led to the most tragic result," Couture said in the statement.

Thus, the old adage: "What are you, fucking crazy? Stay the hell away from the high tension power lines. Electricity is some scary shit. It can turn you off, man."

Well, maybe that's not so much an adage. But it's damn good advice that sadly this family never heard. I feel sorry for the poor kid, but he was clearly doomed from the start to have parents as stupid as this.

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." - Noel Coward

Speaking of annoying people, here is the Anaximenes list of Ten Most Annoying People in 2009, just in time for the holidays:

• Rachael Ray - Everything that is wrong with Rachael Ray is what's wrong with America. She has no experience as a certified culinarian, nor has she ever been trained as a chef (her culinary experience was relegated to a sandwich shop). Yet, she has made a fortune as a cookbook author and Food Network TV star, revered by millions despite her complete vacuity over the very subject matter she is allegedly an expert in. In short, her meteoric rise to fame and fortune sounds just like that of our fucking president. Uncanny. And utterly annoying.
  
• Dr. Zahi Hawass - As Egypt's Secretary General of the Supreme Council of Antiquities, he has the final say in whether any TV journalist is allowed to conduct research or film a documentary in or around any of the ancient Egyptian ruins. This hubristic archeologist only grants such rights if he is given camera time. Thus, one cannot watch any television show about the wonders and glory of what was our planet's first civilization without seeing a self-serving interview of this arrogant motherfucker mispronouncing the word "pidimid." What an egotistical, conceited, supercilious douche-bag.
  
• Martin Lawrence - This loudmouth so-not-funny prick has made thirteen movies since 2002, for Christ's sake. No wonder you can't scroll through the cable channels without seeing his ugly, fat-lipped, wide-eyed face sayin' sompin' stupid fo de cam-ra. Divorced with two bastard children, Lawrence has been sued for sexual harassment, has had violent outbursts on the set after taking psychotropic drugs, and has been arrested twice for brandishing firearms in public places. In other words, he is the epitome of just more sick, egocentric, self-indulgent Hollywood bullshit and I'm just tired of having to be reminded that he hasn't self-destructed yet.
  
• Senator Barbara Boxer - the Democrat U.S. Senator from California is dumber than a box of rocks, not to mention incredibly arrogant in demanding a decorated Army General address her as "senator" and not as "ma'am." What a bitch!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  "Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, 'Thank God, I'm still alive.' But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again."

  Well, no shit, Babs. Aside from being a bitch, you're also an idiot, just like the seven million cretins who put you in office. The people of California deserve what they're getting: a state budget crisis, a 10% increase in the tax withholding rate, a housing value meltdown and so many people leaving the state that it could lose one or more Congressional seats for the first time in history once the 2010 Census is taken.
  
• The Free Credit Report Dot Com Band - One look at these losers, and it's easy to see the target market that Free Credit Report Dot Com is going after, namely, people who probably have something to worry about. Here we have a bunch of grungy-looking guys that all need baths, haircuts, and in the case of the lead singer at least, dental work, attempting to sing (badly) for a stupid "service" that by law credit reporting agencies are required to show you in the first place. The service is a fucking sham and without a doubt, has the most annoying jingle on television.
  
• Joan Rivers - If there were ever a poster child for Hollywood plastic surgery gone wrong, Michael Jackson would be it. But Joan Rivers would be a close runner-up. Calling Angelina Jolie "beautiful but stupid" for no apparent reason other than to get attention, Rivers was a pot calling the kettle black....well, almost....Rivers has never been beautiful, not even close. She is a vulgar, loud mouthed, offensive, washed-up, late-night-talk-show-host has-been, and her contribution to the literary world, Men Are Stupid...And They Like Big Boobs: A Woman's Guide to Beauty Through Plastic Surgery is a little bit like Rudolph Hess writing a Jewish cookbook. Bad form. Really bad form.
  
• The Broom in the Swiffer "Love Stinks" Commercials - Personifying an inanimate object as inconsequential as a household cleaning instrument is the lowest form of product endorsement. I mean, there is no talent to recruit, there are no actors to pay, and no agents to represent them. In fact, the Screen Actors Guild won't even represent them to demand they be paid union scale wages. And these ads are sexist. In one episode, the woman steps out on her patio and the broom is in the hot tub with candles everywhere, like a typical pussy-whipped man, begging for her back, which is the underlying message of these ads to begin with. Women are powerful and have choices (if only they would do what the commercial is telling them to do), while men are stupid, dirty and fucked-up. Modern kitchen appliances make far better mates.
  
• Jay Leno - He was wholly irrelevant when he was on the Tonight Show, even though his Bush bashing monologues made "news" on an almost weekly basis. Now that he's made the move to prime time, I'm happy to see his ratings have dropped 53% since his September debut, despite Time Magazine hypebolically declaring him "the future of television." For if that were true, we would all be in a lot of trouble. Jay Leno is what happens when some self-inflated, over-paid, self-indulgent Hollywood cocksucker begins to believe his own press, and thinks that he somehow matters and what he thinks, what he says and what opinion he has matters. One truly misses the humility of the trail-blazers of the late night talk-show. When Jack Paar and Johnny Carson left the Tonight Show, they had the good sense to go quietly into the good night, rarely to be heard from again. In short, they had class, something Leno wouldn't know if it walked up and bit him on his great big fat ass.
  
• Flo, the Progressive Insurance Lady - As an answer to all insurance cavemen, geckos and piles of cash with googly eyeballs, they can’t hold a candle to Flo for sheer annoyability. As I watch her shuck her wares with such jaunty perfection, with her banged hairdo and stylish headband keeping that semi-flaccid beehive of hers so immaculately in place, I just can’t help but wonder what she’d look like dressed up as a pirate. No doubt headed for the same fame of "Madge, the Palmolive Dishwashing Liquid Soap Lady" and "Rosie, the Bounty Paper Towel Quicker-Picker-Upper Lady," Flo is quickly leaving her mark (or is it a stain?) on pop culture, actually acquiring a cult following. Where intellectually challenged, culturally starved and star obsessed Americans are concerned, that is no big surprise.
  
• Larry the Cable Guy - Not since PeeWee Herman has there come on the scene an actor playing a character who plays other characters. Just like no one knew PeeWee Herman was really actor Paul Reubens, which was helpful when he was arrested for soliciting sex from other patrons in a porn shop video booth, few people know that Larry the Cable Guy is really Daniel Lawrence Whitney, and he has never actually worked for the cable company. In fact, if anyone from my cable company sent me anyone like Larry to work in or near my dwelling, I would be moving my viewing entertainment venue from cable to satellite faster than goose shit through a greased funnel, which sorta sounds like something Larry would say, doncha think? Whitney's shtick is tiresome in the extreme. He is actually from Nebraska and he's doing nothing more than faking a Southern accent, stereotyping Southerners as uncouth, illiterate and stupid. And he's funny only to the extent that farts and other bodily secretions and noises are funny. Go home, Larry. Go back to Lincoln. You've outlived your fifteen minutes. Way outlived them.