The Rants of Anaximenes

I like it when so-called "celebrities" spout off in public because it highlights how utterly uninformed and completely fucking stupid they really are. I like to go off on a rant about them when they do it, however, because it's fun, and it makes me feel good. This is a true win-win scenario.

It's been awhile since I've paid enough attention to anyone in Hollywood to want to waste a literary effort on them, but it seems I'm good for about one rant a year for the more bilious, inane members of the entertainment industry who have come to believe that their craft has imbued them with some special worldly insight to which the rest of us are not privy. Of course, we only hear what they say because the media gives these dimwits a platform to espouse their bullshit seemingly at the very apex of their moronity. I suppose there are just as many annoying plumbers, draftsmen, or computer programmers, but the press doesn't give them the same attention as they do with the more intellectually challenged Hollywood elite. Unfortunately, the American public, by and large, is too stupid to do its own thinking, and so these thespian fools find silent audiences that enthusiastically and mindlessly clap at the most of ridiculous statements, like so many of those cymbal-holding battery-operated toy monkeys from Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

I have previously lambasted the most worthy of these Hollywood dumb-asses, including Sean Penn in Be Gone Sean (2008), Tom Cruise in This star will self destruct in five seconds... (2007), George Clooney in Clooney the Looney (2006), and Rosie O'Donnell in Rosie Obese-ty (2006). Today, it's time for Anaximenes to set his sites on another ignorant, ill-bred, uneducated, vulgar piece of impertinent, idiotic Hollywood discharge, Whoopi Goldberg.

I’ve never liked Whoopi Goldberg. For starters, I don't get the name. She was born Caryn Johnson, which in itself is pretty fucking stupid because most people spell Karen with a 'k' and an 'e'. Actually, I guess that's more a testament to the stupidity of her mother. Regardless, Caryn chose the pseudonym of a staple in any novelty-shop inventory and then, she fucking misspelled that name, too. The Whoopee Cushion was introduced to the world by the Jem Rubber Company in 1930. It's a classic gag that humors pre-adolescent boys who think the sound of a reverberating sphincter is some funny shit. Yeah, Whoopi has real brains, alright. And class! It takes real class to name yourself after something that was designed to resemble the sound of indiscriminate human flatulence. After all, farts are funny, right?

Whoopi also chose a Jewish last name having brilliantly said that "Goldberg's a part of my family somewhere." Well, a number of the black Hollywood elite, like Oprah Winfrey, Chris Rock and Tina Turner, including Whoopi Goldberg, had their DNA tested by African Ancestry, Inc. as part of a 2006 PBS documentary tracing African-American genealogy. Whoopi's test results traced her ancestry to the Papel and Bayote peoples of modern-day Guinea-Bissau. Her racial admixture test was 92 percent sub-Saharan African and 8 percent European. So, it's unlikely some Jewish guy banged a Negro slave somewhere along the transit line, but even if one did, Whoopi wouldn't know his name. Actually, if you think about it, choosing a Jewish name and her cavalier comment about it was pretty racist; not that anyone in Hollywood would challenge the motives of an African-American female from New York who attended parochial school and was raised a Catholic.

The earliest I remember Whoopi was in the movie Ghost and that was before she thought anyone gave a shit about her political views. I wasn't that impressed, though. I guess I’ve been wrong in thinking for so long that actually having talent was necessary for someone to succeed in show business, or that being funny was germane to success as a comic. Although Whoopi has received Academy, Emmy, Grammy, and Tony Awards, I'm still unimpressed given today's state of the entertainment industry. Receiving any of these so-called awards are certainly not indicative of talent and neither are they in honor of intelligence. If anything, they are more an endorsement of that which Hollywood deems to be politically correct. How else can you explain Academy award nominations for films like Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth or Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11, both of which advance popular liberal themes of completely erroneous, fabricated and distorted information?

I think Whoopi is fucking terrible as a actress and sucks as a comedian, and frankly, I think she is hideous to even look at.

What is this shit with her long dreadlocks and rose-colored glasses? She looks like she needs to round out her stylish ensemble with a top-hat so she can complete that Gary Oldman Dracula look.

Speaking of Dracula, I used to like Frank Langella until I found out he had a five year live-in relationship with Whoopi. And that's the strange thing about the Whoopster. She really digs white guys. All three of her ex-husbands are white guys. So is Timothy Dalton, who was banging Whoopi for a couple of years. Ted Danson also thought having sex with Whoopi was a good idea. Danson was married at the time and caring for his wife, who had survived a stroke while giving birth to their child. Typical Hollywood shit.

Whoopi dropped out of high school two weeks into her freshman year and got married at eighteen, giving birth to her only child shortly thereafter. She subsequently failed as a bank teller, a bricklayer, and a mortuary cosmetologist. I believe her only real claim to fame is having been the least talented center square on Hollywood Squares. At least Paul Lynde resurrected his pathetic career as the center Hollywood Square. Whoopi practically ended hers in it.

Fortunately for us, Whoopi has announced her retirement from acting, and has been relegated to that most inconsequential of television daytime shows designed for unemployed shut-ins with seventh grade educations and a predilection for irrelevancy, The View. This show has the kind of audience comprised of people who, if they can read at all, think the National Enquirer is a finely written journalistic periodical with high literary standards for integrity and veracity. These are also people who routinely spell the work "inquire" as "enquire" if, in fact, they even know what the word means or how to use it.

I saw The View once while at home convalescing from abdominal surgery a couple of years ago. In my defense, I was coming off of a five-day hospital stay hooked up to a intravenous morphine drip and once home, was heavily stoked up with hydrocodone tablets. Even through my heavy drug-induced euphoria, however, I recall being particularly irritated at the sound of four shrill female voices arguing over such riveting topics such as forgetting to vote, being too lazy to exercise, hating skinny models, admiring Hollywood's latest hunk and what to do about children who pee on the floor. I've never watched the show since, but You Tube is a wonderful place to see the inanity of daytime television in palatable two-minute clips, including Whoopi Goldberg's newfound forum for showing the world just how fucking stupid she really is. I don't pay a lot of attention to Whoopi, but I was trying to comprehend John McCain's presidential campaign strategy by prostituting himself when he appeared on The View in the following clip.



What a fucking fool!

"Do I have to worry about becoming a slave again?"

No, you fucking idiot. In the first place you've never been a slave. In the second place, if you had ever actually read the Constitution before you dropped out of high school, you would know that the 13th Amendment specifically forbids it.

"...because certain things happened in the Constitution that you had to change."

No, you dim-witted twit! There were necessary additions to the Constitution, called Amendments, that were added according to the process allowed by the Constitution because the original text was mute on some issues: things like the freedom of speech and freedom of the press that allow you to vomit your stupidity all over the living rooms of 3.1 million viewers every goddamn weekday.

"Whew. I was scared I was gonna have to start runnin'..."

Yes, we all dearly wish you would, right smack-dab into the path of fully loaded eighteen-wheeler.

Aside from being incredibly ill-informed and stupid, you might recall that in the 2004 Presidential campaign at a high-stakes fund raiser for John Kerry at Radio City Music Hall, Whoopi also distinguished herself for being demonstrably vulgar when she pointed to her crotch and said, "We should keep Bush where he belongs, and not in the White House." In addition to bringing the presidential candidate many unwanted headlines, Slim-Fast promptly dropped her as their spokesperson. Too bad, because from the looks of her, Whoopi still has a great big fat ass that could use the free supply of Slim-Fast she was getting as part of their advertising campaign. Never one to learn from her mistakes, Whoopi is still talking publicly about her pubic hair, recently complaining on The View that her "carpet is turning gray." Damn you, Whoopi, for making me conjure such a visual.

Whoopi's stupidity simply knows no boundaries.

• On Constitutional Law:
  
  

  “Do you know that we are the only people in the United States who have to have their voting rights okayed every couple of years? Did you know that they have to vote on the Voting Rights Bill for black folks? Can we just, can one of you candidates—can we just take care of that so I don’t have to worry every year, my God am I not?”

  The 15th Amendment of the Constitution prohibits racial discrimination in voting and it does not expire. Whoopi was obviously confused about the Voting Rights Act of 1965, which reinforces the Constitution. It doesn't expire either, except for a few sections with limited time provisions containing extraordinary remedies applied in certain areas of the nation for a limited time, which were renewed by Congressional action in 2006. Whoopi's comments are not only blatantly and ridiculously false, but patently irresponsible.
• On Economics:
  
  

  "I find it extraordinary as I listen to folks talk about the free-market system that they don't recognize that the free-market system is truly broken and beyond repair so that we have to start all over again. It was explained to me; I don't think I could explain it to you righteously [sic], but it made sense when I heard the explanation. Basically, the bank is sitting because they're not below what their paperwork should say and they're not above what their paperwork should say - they're right at their paperwork mark and they don't want to move from that."

  Uh, yeah. That must be it. The banks are "right at their paperwork mark" and that's why the free-market system is broken. I don't know if The View audience applauded this one, but if Whoopi had said this as a line in a situation comedy, there damn sure would have been a laugh track because that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
  
  By the way, you moron, the word you wanted to use when you could not coherently express yourself was to say you could not explain it to me "correctly," meaning accurately or without error, not "righteously," meaning observant of morality or arising from the perception of injustice. However, it would be correct for me to say that you are righteously obtuse. Look it up.
• On Michael Vick:
  
  

  Goldberg: "One of the things I haven't heard anybody say is . .this is not an unusual thing from where [Michael Vick] comes from. It's like cockfighting -- cockfighting in Puerto Rico. . . . There are certain things that are indicative to certain parts of our country. He's from the South. Dogfighting is a lot...."
  
  Joy Behar: "How about dog torturing and dog murdering?"
  
  Goldberg: "Unfortunately, it's part of the thing. For a lot of people, dogs are sport. So I just thought it was interesting because it seemed like a light went off in [Vick's] head when he realized that this was something that the entire country really didn't appreciate or like. I thought, if it had been somebody from New York City, my feelings would be very different."

  What?! Are you fucking kidding me? Whoopi grew up in New York City and has lived her entire fucking life in Los Angeles. What the hell would she know about culture in the deep South, other than perpetuating a stereotype that people from the South, which in Whoopi's fucked-up geography really means anyone not from New York, are uneducated barbaric inbred morons who like watching dogs fight to the death. Dog fighting is not a part of any fucking culture in the South. Vick's co-defendants testified that Vick was present when eight dogs were hanged. He watched as they struggled to free themselves from the nooses, and when three didn't die from slow suffocation, they were drowned. Whoopi's willingness to apply a double standard to this sadistic motherfucker simply because he's black and not from New York City shows just how racist and fucked-up she really is. Sort of like if I said, "Whoopi likes fried chicken and watermelon because, you know, it a Negro cultural thing...." Where are the PC Police when you really need them?
  
  And by the way, speaking of uneducated, it's "indicative of" or "indigenous to", not "indicative to", you fucking moron. They would have taught you that the third week into your freshman year in high school if you hadn't gotten knocked-up and dropped out.
  
• On Sarah Palin:
  
  

  "I just found [Palin's speech] sad and very musty and very much like a Bund rally, but maybe that was just me. I also thought that this idea of America first coming from her was kind of strange because she was one of the people who wanted to succeed [sic] from the United States. She was part of a campaign to succeed [sic] Alaska from the United States of America. This is a very dangerous woman, because I believe for her intents and purposes, she’s okay if everybody lives a certain way, that is to say, the way God ordained men and women to be. Well, already she’s breaking that because she’s the daddy. She’s going to run the country and the husband is going to take care of the kids."

  I can scarcely contain my irritation at stupidity of this magnitude.
  
  First of all, a "Bund rally"? Do you even know what that word means? How are Sarah Palin's public speeches anything like a German-American Pro-Nazi rally? Oh, you mean the way Obama's rallies in sports stadiums with a mesmerizing oratory style are sort of like Adolf Hitler's?
  
  Secondly, "succeed from the United States"? Good lord, you idiot, the word you want is "secede", meaning to break away or separate from, not "succeed" meaning to be successful or to accomplish something, pretty much the way you haven't yet been successful in cultivating a vocabulary above a seventh grade level.
  
  Thirdly, where the fuck would you get the idea that Sarah Palin was part of any campaign to secede from the Union? Because an organization called the Alaskan Independent Party has a platform of succession? Palin has never been a member of it and to say otherwise is a bold-faced, outright lie, as in a falsehood, a fib, or an untruth. Either that, or you're simply misinformed, having received the bulk of your understanding of current events, I suspect, from the National Enquirer.
  
  Finally, "she's the daddy?" What kind of fucking feminist are you? Are you hypocritical, as in two-faced, deceitful and phony? Or maybe, you're just one really stupid, fucked-up spiteful, hateful bitch? That's "bitch," as in a temperamental, nasty, ill-mannered cunt.
• On Gay Marriage:
  
  

  "The battle for same sex marriage continues. And one of the movement’s motto’s is 'gay is the new black.' At least that’s what some people are saying. That’s what’s on the cover of The Advocate this week. And some people don’t agree with comparing this to black suffrage [sic]. I don’t even know if I understand what that word is, 'suffrage', but I’ll leave it alone, black suffrage."

  Well, at least this time, you're admitting your ignorance, and if you had really left it alone, The View audience wouldn't have caught it. You ignoramus, "suffrage" means the right to vote, not to feel pain or distress.

Stupid, stupid, Whoopi. She is pathetic and painful to even watch. Even her very name brings about a feeling of irritation and discomfort. How in the hell someone as ignorant as she gets applause from adoring crowds is as unfathomable to me as it is scary to know that there are that many more stupid, ignorant people out there listening to her.